Relationship Perfection, Disappointments and Why Your Partner Will Fail You

I know its been a while since I updated my BLOG. I will update more often .. I need to be back into Blogging..


Are you a “good enough” spouse/partner?

Decades ago, the renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald W. Winnicott introduced the important concept of the “good-enough” mother. He described how flexible parenting establishes the conditions (which he called the “holding environment”) for healthy child development—this idea offered a welcome counterpoint to the unrealistic notion of “perfect” mothering: That mythic, maternal sage who could always meet all of her child’s needs.

Child-care experts now agree that any attempts at parenting-perfection (whatever that might look like) is more likely to do harm than good (for all involved). The same caveat holds true for the desire for marital/relationship perfection.

Seeking The Perfect Marriage/Relationship

Working toward a “good-enough” relationship-mindset can be very helpful for couples trying to create a fulfilling and lasting union. To adopt a “good-enough” marital/relationship-mindset, we must first understand its opposite: Our deepest yearnings for relationship perfection—an unconscious desire that shapes us in profound ways.

Before we explore the idea of a “good-enough” marriage/relationship, let’s first look at the illusion of a “perfect” marriage/relationship.

In the fantasy-world of relationship perfection:

1. Your spouse/partner will be perpetually attuned to (and intuit) your needs and desires and s/he will take the appropriate steps (without much delay) required to fulfill your needs;
2. Your feelings of infatuation, elation, and mutual openness/acceptance that may have existed early in the relationship will never diminish—you will forever ride the high of new love;
3. Your partner will always be excited to see you, and want to spend time with you or, if desired, s/he will give you just the right amount of space you need—in other words, you will never feel lonely or smothered;
4. Your spouse/partner will patiently and empathetically listen to and fully grasp your deepest longings, fears, and concerns whenever you need him/her to—you will exist in a perpetual state of feeling understood;
5. Your partner’s interests will completely mesh with your own interests (so when you feel like staying home and doing nothing, s/he will be right next to you, wanting nothing more than to do nothing with you; and when you feel like engaging in some activity that you enjoy, s/he will mobilize and enthusiastically join in);
6. Your spouse/partner will be in the mood to have sex whenever you’re in the mood;
7. Your partner will fulfill all of your sexual needs (from the mundane to the highly erotic).

There is a theme in the above illusions of marital/relationship perfection:

A craving for complete merger and blending with another, a union where our needs and desires take center stage—in other words, the seeking of an omnipresent and omni-available partner who can fulfill the roles of caregiver, friend, lover…

Are we really susceptible to such unrealistic expectations?

And if so, how could this happen? What is it that we really want from our spouses/partners?

Some experts speculate that a continued hope for total union and oneness resides in the depths of our unconscious mind—a powerful fantasy that stems from our earliest interactions with caregivers, shaped by developmental experiences when (as infants) we could not distinguish our own emotional world (our self-experiences) from the people who were caring for us. In essence, we experienced emotional harmony with others during this early and crucial phase of life (a sense of blissful oneness)—and, as adults (whether we’re aware of it or not), we are always re-seeking these experiences.

According to this view, our adult relationships will always involve disappointment—never living up to the unrealistic expectations of complete emotional harmony. In this relationship-fall-from-grace, our spouses/partners will fail us at a fundamental level, never giving us the elusive completeness we once felt at the very beginning of life.

So what does this all mean for me and my relationship?

It’s not easy to determine just how much influence these unconscious fantasies/expectations may have for a particular individual or couple.

Some of us may be trying to recapture this experience of wholeness, chasing past shadows, blaming our partners for their shortcomings in an effort to give reason to our own dissatisfaction, all the while failing to recognize the source of this existential drama. Yet for many, marriage/relationship offers both fulfillment and frustration, with the realistic limitations of long-term love and domestic life existing side-by-side with never-ending hopes for greater connection and satisfaction.

So we may all be seeking a relationship Eden, and to this end place an enormous responsibility onto our partners that can never be realized—demanding a perfection that is, at best, an illusion. Understanding these complex, often unconscious dynamics is a powerful way to start the process of unraveling the threads of our longings for completion and the relationship frustrations that seem to be an inherent part of the human condition.

In my next blog post, I will discuss the features of a “good-enough” relationship that couples should consciously work toward in an effort to counter our unconscious desires for the anticipated bliss associated with merger with another. Stay tune

Compromise – Great Marriages and Relationships Rely on Sharing Responsibilit

The most enduring and satisfying relationships are those that are based on a deeply rooted foundation of sharing and co-operation. Partners are encouraged to work as a perpetual team, and in most cases will end up sharing finances as well as living space.

This does not mean that a man can't go out for a weekend party with the boys once in a while, or that a woman can't have an exciting girls night out on the town – in fact the freedom afforded by open communication and shared respect allows for more individuality and personal liberty; there are no trust issues in healthy relationships because communication is always maintained. Compromise also entails the sharing of burdens and responsibility. While it is vital to discuss stresses (commonly, financial or sexual stresses), it is also vital to act upon them. If a spouse falls ill or becomes unable to draw a paycheque for whatever reason – it should not be held against them or used against them as an argumentative tool.

Rather, the husband or wife that is able to fill the gap should take charge and lead the way, working hard to fulfill the needs generated by this absence. This means, be extension, that selflessness (when the chips are down) is of utmost importance as a character trait when choosing a mate for long-term relationships or marriage. Careers may well be important, but if your relationship is not more important in the scheme of things – perhaps it is time to either move on, or consider casual dating.

Communication and compromise are the lynchpins of a successful, happy, and rewarding long-term relationship or marriage. Without these two key factors being implemented constantly, with both partners working as a team to ensure their mutual success, it is quite likely that a relationship is in for a rough ride.

Do you want it to last forever?

Moving in because your lease is up or because it’s cheap are not good reasons to start living with your boyfriend. They should be thought of as icing on the cake…not the entire fattening dessert. The main point of co-habitation is to take things to the next level. Some people even wait to move-in with each other until they’re engaged, showing that they plan on being with each other for the long haul. Bottom line is this: Don’t move in with someone unless you know you’re with the right person. You wouldn’t marry someone without this knowledge…so don’t move in with them either. Keep in mind that the hardest part of a divorce is usually the moving out part…

Relationships: No need to rush

Relationships need to develop slowly. What this means is that if you are meant to be together long-term, then you'll have PLENTY of time to get to know each other. Both trust and respect are not earned right off the bat, so it only makes sense that the relationship move slowly, too. There is no need to rush. There are several things in a relationship that can be rushed, including the following:

1. Sex
2. Meeting the parents
3. Commitment
4. Marriage

Sex is by far the most rushed aspect of relationships. However, sex too soon usually backfires. Women know that if men are really interested in them, then the dudes will want to rush sex because dudes think that women become automatically attached if they have sex with them. However, dudes may be surprised to know that this is not necessarily the case. Women know that dudes will have sex with just about anyone, so the fact that you've chosen to have sex with that woman doesn't make her feel special. If it was sex she was after, she could have gotten it from just about any dude she wanted.

The real way to a woman's heart is to RESPECT the woman by showing her that you are not just wanting her for sex. Hang out with her, treat her special, cuddle with her, caress her face, passionately kiss her, whatever you do, hold the sex for later. And I'm talking for as long as possible. Women lose interest in men who have sex too early, just like men do. Women don't have their minds made up about dudes right off the bat and it takes time for us to see your true colors. Trust me, resist the temptation.

How to make a Relationship last

Over 50% of all marriages in the US end in divorce. That's a scary statistic, and it makes you even wonder why we go into relationships to begin with, doesn't it?

Well, don't get a fatalistic attitude just yet - you don't have to be in a bad relationship, and it doesn't have to end. With a little work, some luck, and a couple of good, compatible people, you can make a relationship last for long into the future.

Communication

I will say it again and again - the most important step to having a good, fulfilling relationship is real and true communication. Talking about anything and everything... the best couples are those that really talk in their day to day life.

Take time each night to spend with each other. It doesn't have to be long - a half an hour to an hour, at most - but the time should be there, and nothing else should be in the way. Not a TV, or a paper, or event he radio.

At a loss for what to talk about? Well, that's a good sign that you don't have enough communication in your relationship to begin with.

The easiest thing to talk about is our day - what happened, who we saw, and who we were with. It's the small things, and the big things, that make a relationship grow.

The Ability to Be Truthful

This is hard, especially for those that aren't used to it. A recent study done said that those who women are most attracted to early on in a relationship, the typical 'ladies man', who is easily adaptable and gives them what they want, is actually a worse long term partner.

The reason? Men who are used to social situations where they adapt, and give their companions what they want, are less likely to be open and honest about certain things. This is why it's so important - if you're not open, honest, and serious about your needs, what you like, what you dislike, and even the placement of the table in the living room, it's going to lead to unhappiness.

So instead of telling her what you think she wants to hear, tell her what she needs to hear. The truth. I'm not saying that you should tell her that you hate her mother - that's territory best not walked upon - but it when it comes to the normal things, stick to the truth. For your relationships sake.

"What You Did to Get her, Do To Keep Her"

Most men throw this out the window two months into a relationship - they start ignoring the little things that they used to do to make their gal smile. At first, she doesn't think much of it... but then, she sees you as something other than what she thought.

Not sure what I'm talking about?

Well, the first few times she came to your apartment, it was clean, right? So when you suggest moving in together, she loves it. And in the beginning, you kept things clean... but then, you stop paying so much attention, and the next thing you know, you left your dirty underwear on the couch, and she's out the door.

What you did to get her - flowers, candy, bath water - you need to do in order to keep her by your side.

Overall...

Work is the true key to making your relationship last. It's not like some game that you can pick up and put down - you need to pay attention to her, love her, and care about her always and forever. That's the real way to make a relationship last.

5 Ways to Start Off Your New Relationship on the Right Foot

So you've met a special someone and have started spending a lot of time together. You're realizing that this attraction and connection is turning into a love relationship. This is exciting news but perhaps a little scary as well. Past relationships may have left you feeling hurt and wary of love and commitment. Or it could be that the sparks you feel with this person are so wonderful you want to make the good feelings last. You don't want to mess up what's starting to look like a great relationship.

Our first recommendation to you if you identify with any of these sentiments, is to relax! If you are in a new relationship, what a fabulous gift to you and this person you are getting to know and opening your heart to. You can start developing habits that will enhance your connection and help start your new relationship off on the right foot.

Have you ever awakened in the morning feeling grumpy and that grumpiness just stays with you the entire day? Perhaps you even explained to a friend that you “got up on the wrong side of the bed.” Similarly, in a new relationship, for various reasons, habits may form in the assumptions you make and the ways you interact with each other. These habits can grow and develop into some huge walls between you and your mate.

No matter how short or long you think this relationship will last, pay attention and take steps that can lead toward connection and deeper love. You might think about it this way: Even if you‘re not with this person for the long-term, you probably will be in a love relationship with another person. Why not make each relationship as great as it can be and enjoy the experience or experiences?

Stay tuned in to yourself and your relationship and experiment with what works to bring you closer to your love. Here are some suggestions to get started....

1.) Be You -- the “Real” You
Unfortunately, insecurity and worries about what other people think can lead us to hide parts of ourselves or hold back on aspects we deem less appealing. This may seem to make attracting a date easier but, ultimately, it’s not going to serve you or this relationship that is forming. Allow yourself to be “real” despite worries that your partner will not approve or like what he or she sees. Chances are, he or she will be more accepting of your perceived faults than you are.

2.) Get Curious about Your Partner's “Real” Self
Now it’s your turn. When this new love lets it all hang out and you get a behind-the-scenes look at him or her, warts and all, stay open and curious. As much as we’d all like to look, act and be perfect, none of us are. In fact, many of our so-called imperfections are what make each of us unique and attractive to a partner. Remember that just as you aren’t defined by only one trait or aspect, so too is this other person complex and multi-faceted. What surprises can you find to appreciate about your new love?

3.) Practice Honesty
As you allow your partner to see the “real” you, you are being honest. Take that practice and expand it out. Instead of assuming that your love doesn’t really need to know about a phone call from your ex in efforts to avoid an argument, be open and communicate even what’s difficult to say. In all likelihood, your honesty now can lessen or even avoid misunderstanding and pain later on.

4.) Stay Present
Nobody knows with 100% certainty how long a relationship will last. Many factors can help determine whether this relationship will last a lifetime or be shorter in duration. Because of this, it is vital that you stay present. Don't worry about whether you will still feel butterflies in your stomach 5 months or even 5 years from now, celebrate that you have found someone who stirs such passion within you. Enjoy each moment of this relationship and allow your feelings in the now to guide the decisions you make.

5.) Have fun!
There tends to be a lightness and even frivolity to new love. An excited sense of discovery is usually alive and well at this point. As you move out of what you might call courtship and into a more committed relationship, keep having fun. You can be real with one another, communicate honestly and with integrity and be present in this moment AND still maintain a sense of fun.

Dating Advice: 15 First-Date Dos and Don'ts

1. DON'T get ahead of yourself.
It's OK to get excited before you go out with someone new, but stay realistic. As pessimistic as this sounds, if your expectations are low, then a good date will be a welcome surprise and a bad date will be no biggie.

2. DO be open to unexpected date ideas.
A homemade meal, PBR, and Guitar Hero might be a better way to get to know each other than the standard restaurant and a movie. Plus, are you really going to ask someone to take you out for filets and the theater in this economy?

3. DON'T go somewhere overflowing with eye candy.
A while ago I took a girl out to brunch at a restaurant that is always brimming with beautiful hipsters. Naturally, there was a Kate Hudson look-alike sitting behind my date, right in my line of vision -- maintaining eye contact with my date has never been more of a struggle.

4. DO bring dental supplies with you.
I once ordered a shredded beef burrito and there was a string of meat stuck in my teeth. I would've excused myself to the bathroom to fix it, but I hadn't brought my floss with me. So I sat there, not listening to him and going crazy. Now I bring mints, gum, spray, floss -- everything. Seriously.

5. DON'T question his height.
You question the 5'10" on his driver's license. Suspend your disbelief. Feel free to store it for something to make fun of later.

6. DO have a positive attitude.
I tried to plan a really neat first date -- something different. So I pick her up, and it's cold out, and the restaurant I was going to take her to is closed. We're in an abandoned area, and it's cold; I'm not looking so good right now. Finally we find a place to eat, except the menu is all in Korean. We point to something and what comes out tastes like rubber chicken. Then, when we get to the bowling alley, it seems like we're the only non-gang members there. But it was an amazing date because she was cool. Her positive attitude dictated how the date would go.

7. DON'T turn your dates into therapy sessions.
My friend Isabel just had the worst year of her life: She had foreclosed on her house and was in serious debt. Whenever she was out with a guy, she would unload all her frustrations right on his plate! No one wants to hear you ramble on about your sick cat, annoying boss, or stalker ex-boyfriend. If she was hoping for a second date, Isabel should've asked more questions and done more listening than talking.

8. DO order a big-girl meal.
Do you really think a puny salad will hold you over all night?

9. DON'T psychoanalyze your date.
A guy once got all Freud on me and asked me if I had trouble getting close to men because of my relationship with my father. Totally inappropriate, considering we'd just met.

10. DO call a friend for a pep talk.
If you're suffering from first-date jitters, ring a friend for a few words of encouragement before you meet the guy. Before my first dates, you'd always find me in a cab on the phone with my mom, with her telling me the guy would be crazy not to adore me. Even though she had to say that (she is my mom), a few positive words made me walk into my date with confidence.

11. DON'T get too personal.
One woman on our message boards reminisced about a guy who asked her how many kids she wanted. "I'm hoping for at least one little girl," he added. Sweet... yet a tad premature. Another woman wanted to know if it was normal that a guy asked her about her credit score and credit limit. Yeah, not normal.

12. DO discuss issues that are important to you.
Why wait to find out that the two of you don't see eye to eye on something you feel passionately about?

13. DON'T talk about your ex.
No good can come of this! You'll seem either bitter, heartless, or still hung-up -- and any one of these is a huge turnoff. t

14. DO break the dating rules.
If you want to call him, call -- he'll appreciate it. If you want to make the first move, do it -- why not!

15. DON'T let him take you to a second location if you don't like him.
Too often, I politely follow the guy to another bar, and another, when really I just want to go home and read. It's better for both of you if you just speak up.